Hunger Texts
by carolynholm
Cher Madame,
Je voudrais avoir un phone.
Regards,
M. Le Poufin
Dear Puffin,
Why on earth would you want a phone?
Love, Carolyn
Cher Madame,
I shouldn’t need to explain this to you. Avec un phone c’est possible to send Madame text messages. All day long.
Regards,
M. Le Poufin
Dear Puffin,
That’s a terrible idea. And why would you even want to do that?
Love, Carolyn
Cher Madame,
Because then I could send Madame a text every time I have le hunger. Les petits Hunger Notifications.
Regards,
M. Le Poufin
Dear Puffin,
That would drive me nuts. You’re always hungry.
Love, Carolyn
Cher Madame,
Because Madame’s cuisine is, how we say, inadequate.
Regards,
M. Le Poufin
Dear Puffin,
You are on a strict diet, honey. Dr. Virk was very stern about that. As well she should be. You’ve been looking distinctly round instead of sleek.
Love, Carolyn
Madame,
Your petty insults, ce n’est pas productive. Je suis toujours sleek. Toujours elegant.
Regards,
M. Le Poufin
Dear Puffin,
For a delusional cat who was rescued from the gritty streets of South Central Los Angeles, you’ve come a long way. But Puff Honey, there’s no getting around it. You have put on the pounds. That’s not healthy. I’m sorry, the diet is necessary.
Love, Carolyn
Madame,
Cette diet, c’est très boring. Je suis Français, I have need for la Cuisine Français. Tasty petits dead animals. Les petits oiseaux aux jus. Teeny tiny birds avec les juices.
Regards,
M. Le Poufin
Dear Puffin,
The French and their songbirds. That’s one form of their cuisine I don’t subscribe to.
Love, Carolyn
Cher Madame,
Je suis sorry that Madame is pathetically ignorant about the pleasures of les songbirds. Next time I catch a chickadee I will prepare it for Madame’s tasting pleasure.
Regards,
M. Le Poufin
Dear Puffin,
The only time you ever caught a chickadee was because that unfortunate bird flew into the house. And I noticed that while you got feathers everywhere, you didn’t consume its tiny sad carcass.
Love, Carolyn
Cher Madame,
There was no opportunity. Madame was as interfering as usual.
Regards,
M. Le Poufin
Dear Puffin,
Ha! In fact, you didn’t know what to do with it. I think you secretly prefer your kibble.
Love, Carolyn
Cher Madame,
Le gourmet kibble, ce n’est rien from which to turn up a nose. But Madame is sadly not very generous. She is vraiment cheap. Trop cheap to provide a sufficiency of kibble. Et bien sûr, too cheap to provide un phone for her distinguished cats. Too cheap to discover for herself le joie of les texting cats.
Regards,
M. Le Poufin
