Carolyn Holm

One Dog, Two Cats
Grand Ideas
InterSpecies Memos

Noodled

It’s our 4 Year Anniversary!

Throughout the month of February we are celebrating four years of weekly Interspecies Memos by sharing some old favorites. This one is from March 3, 2014:

Bonjour Madame,

I have un question. Did Madame buy us?

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

No, you were all rescued. Though Molly and Mia had rescue group fees.

Sincerely,

Carolyn

 

Bonjour Madame,

What did you pay for moi?

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

We didn’t get you from a rescue group. You were found wandering in the streets of LA.

Sincerely,

Carolyn

 

Bonjour Madame,

You make it sound, comment dit-on, so sordid.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

Well, it sort of was. You had terrible diarrhea.

Sincerely,

Carolyn

 

Bonjour Madame,

So you paid rien? You paid nothing pour moi? C’est très humiliating!

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

Well there were a lot of vet bills. There was the matter of the diarrhea.

Sincerely,

Carolyn

 

Bonjour Madame,

Toujours you keep bringing that up. Madame is very rude.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

There was also a surgery expense.

Sincerely,

Carolyn

 

Bonjour Madame,

Ah, yes. The snip snip operation. Je suis noodled.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

Neutered.

Sincerely,

Carolyn

 

Madame,

Again your rude emphasis on unpleasantness.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

 

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1-Click

It’s our 4 Year Anniversary!

Throughout the month of February we are celebrating four years of weekly Interspecies Memos by sharing some old favorites. This one is from August 26, 2016:

Dear Mia,

I just got a box in the mail from Amazon.com. It is full of cat treats. Do you know anything about this?

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

Cat treats? Did my Temptations order arrive? That’s so exciting!

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

You ordered this?

Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

I did! And it came so fast! I love Amazon!

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

You are a cat. You are not supposed to be ordering things.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

I’m not? Oh. Well, this is awkward. Have you received the snuggly cat bed yet?

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

You ordered a snuggly bed???

Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

Sort of. And a catnip mouse. And some liver treats for Poppy.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

Well it’s really nice of you to think of Poppy too, but you have to stop shopping!

Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

I ordered a Trump hat for Dad.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

A TRUMP HAT? Honey he will never wear that. What were you thinking!

Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

And a cat sweatshirt for you.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

You’re a cat. You can’t shop.

Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

I’m pretty sure I can. It was easy.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

You don’t have any money! Because, well, you’re a cat.

Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

I didn’t need any money!

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

I just looked at my account. Okay, I have now deactivated 1-Click ordering. You are banned from amazon, is that understood?

Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

I’m pretty sure you are going to like the cat sweatshirt.

Love, Mia

 

 

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OCD

It’s our 4 Year Anniversary!

Throughout the month of February we will celebrate four years of weekly Interspecies Memos by sharing some old favorites. This one is from August 15, 2014, with our now departed sweet dog Molly. (Read about Molly’s extraordinary life here!)

Dearest Molly,

I heard a story on NPR about dogs with OCD.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mom,

OCD?

Your Best Dog,

Molly

 

Dearest Molly,

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mom,

Why on earth would you bring this up to me?

Your Best Dog,

Molly

 

Dearest Molly,

Oh, I thought of you when I heard it. You and your rituals.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mom,

My rituals?

Your Best Dog,

Molly

 

Dearest Molly,

Like when you tap your bowl with your paw before you take a kibble out to eat it. You do that every single time. For every single kibble.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mom,

Everyone does that. It’s part of the process.

Your Best Dog,

Molly

 

Dearest Molly,

No, Honey, it isn’t, really. I think you’re the only one.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mom

I don’t always do it the same way. Sometimes I tap twice. And sometimes I tap the iron dog doorstop next to my bowl. So I don’t think you can say that I’m an OCD dog just because I tap something before I eat a kibble.

Your Best Dog,

Molly

 

Dearest Molly,

Well, I think your ritual pretty much qualifies as OCD.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mom,

Are you saying I’m crazy?

Your Best Dog,

Molly

 

Dearest Molly,

We don’t have to use that word. I think of you as interesting. You are a very interesting dog. Oh, and there’s also the licking. That’s another interesting ritual. You know, something that seems just a bit overdone.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mom,

Licking is normal. Ummm, like licking your feet, or that delicious squirrel tail.

Your Best Dog,

Molly

 

Dearest Molly,

Don’t remind me. Ew. But licking the floor as you walk from one room to another is just weird. And licking the bathroom scale over and over – what’s with that?

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mom,

That’s not normal? I like to lick things. Everyone does. I’ve been thinking about licking the cats.   I tried it with Mia.

Your Best Dog,

Molly

 

Dearest Molly,

How did that work out?

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mom,

She didn’t care for it. And I have to say it was just ok for me. Not as satisfying as the bathroom scale.

Your Best Dog,

Molly

 

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The One Per Cent

Cher Madame,

The water bowl, she is not filled to the top.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

It’s almost to the top, sweetie. I filled it this morning.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Il faut to keep it completely filled. C’est your job as ma domestique.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

Seriously? Your household help?

Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

But of course. Mais oui. You have surprise?

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

I guess I shouldn’t be. You are incorrigible.

Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

You serve the food, clean the litter box, provide the comfy cushions. Scratch my chin when I demand. C’est très très clear. You are my domestique.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

And what, pray tell, are you?

Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

I am le privileged class. I thought you knew.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

We are all in this household together, sweetie.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

But I am, as Madame surely knows, the One Per Cent.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

And the rest of us are…?

Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Here to serve me.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

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Tricks

Dear Mommy,

I want to start earning money.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

That’s ambitious!

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

I want to start turning tricks. For money.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

Oh my gosh you made me snort coffee out my nose.

Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

Why is that so funny?

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

I don’t think you know what that expression means.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

I’m a very athletic cat. I think I would be very good at turning tricks. In fact, I would be good at all kinds of acrobatics. Like flips, and jumping very high. Especially at jumping very high. I’m sure people would pay to see me.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

Turning tricks is not about acrobatics, honey.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

It’s not?

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

It’s an old slang expression. Something prostitutes do.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

Oh. Well. Then I don’t want to.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

I’m so relieved to hear that.

Love, Carolyn

 

 

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Dead Weight

Dear Poppy,

When I ask you to get off the bed, you make things really difficult.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

I don’t want to make anything hard for you!!!

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

But you turn into a dead weight. I can hardly move you.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

That’s because moving is impossible!!!!

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

No it’s not. You can jump up on the bed. So you can jump down off the bed.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

I can jump on the bed because I’m all excited! My excitement propels me there!!!

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

So why can’t you jump back off?

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Because the bed is where I belong. My body won’t move because it belongs right there.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

No, honey, it doesn’t. You can visit on the bed while I’m reading, but when it’s time to sleep you need to go to your comfy bed.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

But it’s not with you.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

It’s next to my bed. You are literally within arm’s reach.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Why can’t I sleep on your bed?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

I’ve explained this so many times: there is no room for you when it’s time to sleep.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

But the cats are there!

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

That’s why there is no room. And they were around long before you. They have bed seniority.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

So you have to push me off?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

Well I wish it could be done more easily. Moving a dead weight each time is no fun at all. Not to mention it isn’t very dignified.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

So, clearly it would be better if you let me stay.

XOXO Poppy

 

 

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The Resolution

Dear Puffin,

Mia tells me you made a New Year’s Resolution this year.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

C’est vrai. I have made one of these resolutions.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

Are you going to tell me what it is?

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Oui, if you must know, it is that Madame will clean Le Litter Box more often.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Puffin

Not to put too fine a point on it, but you can’t make resolutions for other people to do.

Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Je suis un cat. I do what I want.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

That aside, I do keep your litter box properly clean.

Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

There is un lump in it at this instant.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

I’m not going to go in there and clean it out every single time you use it!

Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

This is why le Resolution.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

Not going to happen.

Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

And there was the time you let it go for three days.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Puffin,

One time! And I was sick! I had the flu!

Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Three days.

Regards

M. Le Poufin

 

Puffin,

Seriously, it was just one time. And you do have three litter boxes between the two of you.

Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

But Madame admits it. I rest le case.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

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Annus Horribilis

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Mia says we need to keep an eye on the time, because the Annus Horribilis will be over at midnight on the 31st!!!!!

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

She is a very clever cat.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

It’s not nice of her to talk about her anus!

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

She isn’t, sweetie. Annus with two “n’s” is a different word. It means “year.”

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Oh. But I still don’t understand it. Annus Horribilis sounds like a dinosaur.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

It refers to a terrible year.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Has it been a rough year?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

You should be glad you don’t follow the news. It has been a terrible year.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Is that why you and Alpha Dad get tense and wave your arms around in agitation?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

We do get agitated when we talk about the state of the world.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Is it that bad?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

It is. I think if Molly were still alive she’d be reminding us of her dire worldview. She’d say “we’re doomed.”

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

She did say that a lot. Was she right?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

I’m too optimistic to go so far as to say we’re doomed. But between the catastrophic election, the hurricanes, the wild fires, guns everywhere, and powerful men behaving badly, it has been an Annus Horribilis.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

But you have me! And the cats! And your family! And lots of friends!

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

I do have all that! And I’m so grateful for all of you! And I’m sorry we wave our arms. I forget that this sets off your PTSD.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

I get startled by waving arms. You might hit me.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dearest Poppy,

You know I’ll never hit you, sweetie. I’m sorry that someone treated you so badly when you were young.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

I’m glad that I’m with you now.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dearest Poppy,

So am I. And let’s hope we all have a better year in 2018!

Love, Carolyn

 

 

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Presents!

Dear Mommy,

I love the holidays!

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

It’s a fun time, isn’t it?

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

I love decorations!

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

We all do.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

I love presents!

Love Mia

 

Dear Mia,

We all do.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

Is this a present for me in the bag?

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

It’s for my daughter.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

Will there be presents for me?

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

Possibly.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

I want lots of presents!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

Okay, maybe we need to dial this down a bit. The holidays are not just about presents.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

They’re not?

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

They are about family and good food and donating to good causes and hoping for world peace.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

And about decorations!!!!!! I can reach the ornaments on the tree!!!!!!!!!

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

Please don’t play with them! They are fragile.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

Uh Oh. Oops.

Love, Mia

 

 

Are you getting a new post every week in your In-Box? If not, you may be missing some of these weekly posts! It’s easy to subscribe: scroll up to the top of the blog page, enter your email address in the subscription box on the right, and click the subscribe button. If you are reading this in an email, go to blog.carolynholm.com to find the subscription box. (And if you’ve already subscribed, we all raise our paws to salute you!)

Dress-up

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Why am I all dressed up?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

I wanted to see how that ribbon looks on you.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Are we having a party?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

The family will be here for Christmas Eve. I was just planning ahead.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

And I’m going to be all dressed up?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

That would be nice.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Is your daughter coming with her dog Mika?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

Of course! They will both be here!

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Is Mika getting dressed up?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

Of course.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Will the cats get dressed up?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

No, they will probably be hiding under my bed.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

That doesn’t sound like fun.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

It’s because they worry about Mika.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Mika just wants to play!!!

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

They don’t know that. They just know that she chases them.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

It’s all in the spirit of the holidays!

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

That spirit is a bit one-sided. But we’ll make it up to them when Mika leaves.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

And Santa will probably leave treats in their stockings.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

He always does.

Love, Carolyn

 

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