Carolyn Holm

One Dog, Two Cats
Grand Ideas
InterSpecies Memos

The Pony Upstairs

Dear Puffin,

When you are playing upstairs it sounds like a large animal running around overhead.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Mais oui! I am one! Je suis un large animal! Je suis un big strong cat!

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

You are big, but I was thinking more along the lines of a pony thumping around up there.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

A pony? Madame she thinks this petit cat sounds like un pony?

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

Just saying.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Always le sarcasm. C’est about the problem of the weight, n’est-ce pas?

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

I’m afraid that is something we need to talk about. Over the last few months you have gained back some of the weight you had lost. Almost a pound. That’s a lot for a little cat!

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

The diet. C’est about le diet. Madame is cruel. No small birds. No small mammals. No extra kibble. Madame is too strict. This pauvre little cat suffers from le torture.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

You are not being tortured. You are simply on a diet. Being obese is unhealthy. The vet was very stern about this. She said you must lose weight.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Monsieur is much kinder than Madame.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

Has Monsieur been giving you treats again? He is such a softie. I guess I need to remind him that you are on a strict diet.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Le diet, it is not necessaire. Moi, I do l’exercise!!!!! I run around and around upstairs.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

And that’s when I hear that pony.

Love, Carolyn

 

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The Suitcase

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Mia and I are extremely worried about this suitcase.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

I know, Sweetie. I completely understand. But you all need to relax. It will be okay.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

It means you are leaving us.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

Just for a bit. We’re going on a short trip.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Why would you leave us? Is it something we said?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

Of course it’s not something you said, Sweetie. It’s not personal. Alpha Dad and I are just going on a short trip. We won’t be gone long.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Before she died Molly explained to me that a suitcase means just one thing: DOOM. That when you go away you may never come back.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

Oh dear. Molly has a long reach, doesn’t she? But we always come back!

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

And she explained that when you are gone for more than a day we have to assume that you were eaten by predators.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

I’m so sorry you are worried about that. Molly was always the voice of doom. But we are in no danger from predators.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Molly was a very wise dog.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

She was, but she was also very gloomy. So don’t pay attention to all that, Sweetie. You’ll be so well taken care of that you won’t even miss us. You’ll go to Danielle’s house. You love to go to her house!

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

I do! And what about the cats?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

She’ll come here every day to feed them and play with them. So they will be well taken care of.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Still, there are predators everywhere. I worry that you are not a fierce fighter. You don’t even growl.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dearest Poppy,

I’ll work on my growl.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Molly was right. We’re doomed.

XOXO Poppy

 

 

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Book Group

Dear Mia,

What have you done with my Kindle?

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

Your Kindle?

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

Don’t play innocent with me. I saw you checking it out. You have done something with it.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

I thought it was our Kindle!

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

No it’s not. It’s mine. And I need it to finish the book I’m reading.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

Why you are in such a hurry to finish your book?

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

Because my book group is meeting tonight and this is the book we’ll be discussing.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

You discuss the books? I want to come to book group!

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

I’m certain that is not a good idea.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

I would talk about the lack of diversity in fiction.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

The lack of diversity?

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

Species diversity. When is the last time a cat had a starring role in a novel? Or a short story? Not to mention, when is the last time you even came across a cat reference?

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

Off the top of my head, I can’t think of one. But I’m sure there are dogs and cats in many, many books.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

I don’t mean books in general. I’m talking about fiction.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

Okay, I’m sure there are dogs and cats in many works of fiction.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

Dogs sure, but cats? No. I challenge you to find them.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

I hadn’t really thought about it. But I’m sure there’s a cat or two.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

Not like there are in non-fiction. There are a lot of non-fiction cat books.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

I don’t know what you are complaining about. You are all over social media.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

True. We own social media. Now we want to take over your Kindle.

Love, Mia

 

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Communication Skills

Dear Puffin,

You seem unsettled and angry. Is everything okay?

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

This morning you said something très unfortunate. C’est unforgivable.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

I did? I’m sorry, I was not aware of saying anything unfortunate!

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Oui, très unfortunate. That you were going to put me down.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

This is a problem?

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Does Madame actually do that? C’est horrifying!

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

Put you down? Oh! Put. You. Down. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean that the way it sounds. I meant I was going to lift you off my lap.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Pourquois Madame did not say ça?!

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

You are absolutely right. I should have. Communication is terribly important. Especially between species.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Bien sûr. Madame she should pay attention.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

We all should. Speaking of which, Poppy is complaining that she can’t understand a word you say.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Pas nécessaire. She doesn’t need to. Poppy et moi, we do not speak.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

It would help if you spoke English. And it’s not just Poppy complaining. Mia says she only understands half of what you say.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Pah. Je suis très clear. But what does it matter. Mia she is rude to me. She calls me Dude. And she says “Move over Fat Boy.” And worst of all, she says “You aren’t even French.”

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

But you’re not. Honey, you are from Los Angeles.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

That is très close to France.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

No, it’s not.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Peut-être I was brought to Los Angeles from France.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

No, you were just a baby when you were found in a South Central gutter. I don’t know where you got this French delusion.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

This South Central, c’est a nice area in LA? Comme Beverly Hills?

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

No, I’m sorry, it’s not at all like Beverly Hills. It’s a bit rougher.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Not a nice neighborhood? C’est très upsetting. Madame should make it up to moi.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

But you live in a nice neighborhood now. You live in the lap of luxury!

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Ahhh, then Madame knows how to make it up. C’est dinnertime now, oui?

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

 

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The Long Drive

Dear Alpha Mommy,

This is my suitcase!

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

It is indeed.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

We brought it when we went to Los Angeles! But you never told me what was in it.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

It carried your meds, an extra leash, your comb, your toothbrush, and your treats. All the important things!

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

My meds?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

The pill you get every afternoon. Your Prozac. To help you feel less anxious. And there was also Dramamine for the drive. Because you get carsick.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

It was a very long drive. The longest drive EVER.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

It was indeed, and you did so well! When you first came to me you barfed every time you were in the car. Then you got better, but you still had a hard time when we took any drive that was longer than just around town.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Like when we drove up to the mountains!  I urped in the car. And drooled all over myself. It was all very unpleasant.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

No kidding. You were soaking wet by the time we got to the cabin. But you’ve come a long way since then. This was a long drive and you were fine! No urping! No drooling! You seemed very relaxed!

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

I liked our walks in the Rest Areas.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

It felt good to stretch our legs. Six hours is a long time to drive.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

And I liked meeting the hot German Shepherd. But I didn’t care much for the two rude Chihuahuas.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

No, I didn’t either. That was an unfortunate incident.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

And I love Los Angeles! I was so surprised to end up at your daughter’s house. My pal Mika is there! And I love to snuggle with your daughter. Mika and I woke her up in the morning with kisses. And we all went on lovely walks. And Mika and I guarded the house when you two went out. It was so exciting when the skunks toddled by!

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

We dodged a bullet that time. But all in all it was a nice trip.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

But just one thing. Mia says you got me stoned for the drive. What is this Dramamine?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

Don’t pay any attention to Mia. The Dramamine is a wonder drug.

Love, Carolyn

 

 

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Bed Dancing

Dear Mommy,

I love it when you and I Bed Dance.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

When we what? I don’t know what you are referring to, honey.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

We just did it yesterday!

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

We did?

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

We did! It was so much fun!!!!!!!

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

I’m glad you had a good time. Maybe you could give me some clues?

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

Bed dance!!!! You swoosh the sheets. I leap under them! You fold up the comforter, I rummage around in it! It’s all so exciting!

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia

Oh! Now I get it. When I change the sheets on the bed.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

When you say it, it sounds so boring.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

It’s just making the bed.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

No, merely making the bed is not Bed Dancing. When you make the bed every morning you just pull the bedding up and tuck it in. But when you change the sheets it’s magic. You make the sheet float in the air over me, as I leap up to it. Then it drops down and I scoot around under it. It’s so much fun!!!!!

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

You do make it sound magical. And we certainly have a great time doing that together.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

It is magical!!! It’s one of my favorite things to do!

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

It’s still just making the bed.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

You can call it that. But I call it Bed Dancing.

Love, Mia

 

 

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An Extreme Sport

Cher Madame,

Monsieur has invented le best sport ever!

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin

You are doing sports now?

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

I am. Avec Monsieur. We do sports together.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

That’s wonderful! I’m so glad you have something to share. Is this a game that involves your blue rubber ball?

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Non, c’est un Extreme Sport.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

Is it with the feather toy?

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

The feather toy, pah! She is for girlie cats like Mia.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

Does this involve destruction? Like when you shred a roll of toilet paper?

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Non, ça, that is for kittens.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

Well, you certainly did your fair share of that when you were a kitten. So I give up. What is this sport?

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

It is the chasing of a wild et elusive prey.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

You are chasing prey? Here in the house?

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Oui!!! I lunge, I chase, I leap, I pounce!

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

Ahhhh, wait a minute. This prey, would it be red?

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Oui!!! Le Red Dot!!!!!!!

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

The laser pointer. I should have guessed. I’m so glad that you and Monsieur have discovered this sport.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Monsieur exerts un control étrange on cette red dot. It comes from his hand and flies around the room!

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

Just please  don’t knock over any lamps while you fly around the room after it. I don’t want wanton destruction to be the subject of a future blog post.

Love, Carolyn

 

 

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The Tattoo

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Mia says I have a tattoo!

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

You do indeed have one.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Oh my god where is it?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

It’s the little turquoise blue line on your lower belly.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Mia says it means I’m wild and hip!

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

I’m not sure Mia knows what she’s talking about.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Yes she does! She says like wild in a good way. And really hip. You know, cool.

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

Well, actually it indicates you’ve had a certain kind of surgery.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

I did? Surgery??? Why did I have surgery?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

I’m so sorry to tell you this, but it was so that you can’t have any more puppies.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

I can’t have puppies?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

No sweetie.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

But I love puppies!!!!!

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

 

I know you do, honey.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

Wait, you said any more puppies. What do you mean by more?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

You don’t remember your puppies?

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

I had PUPPIES????

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

Apparently you did, sweetie. But it was before you were rescued. No one knows what happened to them.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

I don’t remember them!

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

You were young when you had them. Not even a year old. I’m guessing they were taken from you.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

That’s so sad!

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

It is sad. At least you were rescued.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

I needed a rescue?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

You don’t remember any of this, do you? You were found running around the little town of Lodi, terrified. No collar, no chip. I’m glad someone took you in.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Alpha Mommy,

So my tattoo doesn’t mean I’m wild and hip like Mia says?

XOXO Poppy

 

Dear Poppy,

No it doesn’t. But that will be our little secret. We’ll let Mia continue to think you are a wild little hipster dog.

Love, Carolyn

 

 

If you want to get this weekly blog delivered every Friday to your In Box, it’s easy to subscribe: scroll up to the top of the blog page, enter your email address in the subscription box on the right, and click the subscribe button. If you are reading this in an email, go to blog.carolynholm.com to find the subscription box. (And if you’ve already subscribed, multiple paws are raised to salute you!)

 

 

Sassy

Dear Mia,

Maybe you should stop calling everyone names. I’ve been getting complaints.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

I’m just being sassy. Besides, you call us names. You call us your Poodles.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

I do. Sorry. It’s meant lovingly.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

But seriously? Poodles? Please. I am NOT a poodle. Even Puffin isn’t a Poodle. Not even Poppy. Well, Poppy is poodle-ish.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

It’s just a tender jest.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

And Puffin calls us names. He calls me The Crazy Spotted One. He calls Poppy The Ditz, and he calls Mika The Hell-hound.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

Okay, I think its time everyone started getting along. How hard would that be?

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

Puffin is not interested in getting along. He attacks me every morning.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

The 4am screaming fights have got to stop. I don’t know how it is you two can sleep inches apart and then suddenly he has to get up and give you The Killer Stare.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

That’s because he gets all agitated and irritable when it is almost dawn.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

It’s about being fed.  The closer it is to breakfast time, the more worked up he becomes. But still, I’d like you to stop the name-calling, sweetie.

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

I have a name for you.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

What did I just tell you?

Love, Carolyn

 

Dear Mommy,

The Goddess.

Love, Mia

 

Dear Mia,

Good save.

Love, Carolyn

 

 

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The Killer Stare

Dear Puffin,

I read recently that adult cats only vocalize to their kittens and to humans, but not to each other. Is that true?

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

C’est vrais. We have no need for that. Moi, I can make Mia jump up et run away just by providing my Killer Stare. Voilà, she is gone, so I get le Best Spot.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

Actually we need to talk about that.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

About my Killer Stare? C’est un stare très excellent.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

No, we need to talk about your using it on Mia. You complain that she calls you names, but Puffin, she does that because you bully her.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

I do not know of what Madame is referring.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

Yes you do. When she is sleeping peacefully, you come along, make your face scary and loom over her. And if she doesn’t move along right away, you attack her.

Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

C’est le natural order.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

No it’s not. And it’s especially annoying when you do that in the middle of the night and wake me up to a screaming fight. Right on top of me.

Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Mia, she is a screamer. C’est unfortunate. Le whole situation, c’est unfortunate. Mais c’est Darwinian. Moi, je suis the strongest. Mia is small and sadly for her, she is female.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

That’s it. I don’t want to hear any more. You are in serious trouble now, buddy.

Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Mais c’est the only thing I do that Madame she is unhappy about. Mia, she does wrong things all the time. She knocks things over. She wakes you up at night. She licks your face even when you beg her to stop. She screams when she is attacked. Moi, my behavior, c’est superior.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

Seriously? You eat my houseplants and then barf them all over the house. You chew on things. You chewed a very expensive laptop charger in half. You wait in ambush for Poppy. She’s afraid to walk down the hall. All this on top of bullying sweet little Mia. It’s no wonder she calls you names. Do I need to bring Mika here from LA to keep you in line?

Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Everyone is picking on moi.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

No we’re not. You are asking for it. You aren’t behaving very nicely.

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Je suis désolé. I will try to do better.

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

Dear Puffin,

That’s so sweet! I really appreciate that!

Love, Carolyn

 

Cher Madame,

Et now, c’est le dinner-time, oui?

Regards,

M. Le Poufin

 

 

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