Carolyn Holm

Dear Mia,
Your illness has saddened everyone. It came on so fast. From one week to the next you went from your normal spunky self to unsteady and feeble. It’s heartbreaking.
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
It’s final. I understand that.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
You must have had this tumor for a while.
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
It was too much for me to ignore any more.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
We were mystified when you moved into the guest room. Your hangout was always on my bed or with us in the living room or kitchen. You never spent time in the guest room. None of us hang out there. It’s for guests. That’s why it’s called a guest room. Now it’s become your central place. It’s a bit odd, sweetie.
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
I needed to be in a different place. Because everything has changed. Everything feels different.  It’s no longer my old life.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
No, sadly it is not. But I don’t understand why you withdrew so completely for a few days.  You didn’t sleep with me. Or sit on my chest and lick my face while I was reading. Or join us at dinner. You didn’t wake me for breakfast.  It was very upsetting. I’m so glad you are not withdrawing quite so much now, though you still spend most of the day in the guest room. At least you come out now and then to look for me, and last night I woke to find you sleeping cuddled against me. What a relief to have you back!
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
I thought I was about to die, so I went to a quiet place. Then when I didn’t die right away, I figured I can still be with you sometimes.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
But not like it used to be. I’ve missed you so!
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
It’s not about you.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
My god you’re right. I’m so sorry. But I do miss you.
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
We have to let go of each other.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
That’s easier said than done. It’s hard to accept. I want to have as much time with you as possible in the time we have left.
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
We have each other. I like it when you come to the guest room to sit and read next to me. It’s nice to nap knowing you are right there. But some of the time I need to be apart from the household.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
We’re trying to respect that.
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
Puffin and Poppy are too much.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
Puffin is very upset. He doesn’t understand. Or he does, and he doesn’t like it. But he has not been himself. Especially at first. He was restless and meowing. He still doesn’t understand what you are doing in the guest room.
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
He keeps coming in to look at me.  And Poppy won’t stop sniffing me.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
Poppy is consumed with curiosity.
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
They are both too much.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
I guess that’s why you keep moving to a spot under the bed.
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
Yes.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
We miss you when you do that. When you are on top of the bed at least we can see you, and you raise your head when we pass by and check in on you. It’s weird to have to peer under the bed.
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
I like it when you do! I like seeing you. And I do like the sun patch on the bed. But sometimes I need to withdraw.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
At least there are some things you come out for now. To say hi to me and Dad. To let me cuddle you now and again. To drink some water. Use the litter box. You still like to lick your catnip toy. And you really seem to be enjoying your meals.
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
The meals have been lovely!!!!!
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
I’m so glad we finally found something you want to eat. You had me so worried when you went days without eating.
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
I love the new food! I just can’t eat very much at a time. It’s too much effort.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
You are so very tired and fragile.
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
Weary. I’m so very weary.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
I still can’t understand how you went downhill so fast. I even wonder if you had a small stroke at some point the day we went to the vet. You’ve been so wobbly ever since. It all changed so fast.
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
I knew something was wrong, and I couldn’t bring myself to eat, and then we went to the vet, and I found out about the big growth in my gut, and that changed everything. So, when we got home, I moved to the guest room.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
You make it sound like we shouldn’t have gone to the vet. If we hadn’t, maybe you’d still be ok.
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
That’s magical thinking.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
You’re right. I’m having trouble processing this.
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
It’s simple, really.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
It is. 
Love, Carolyn

Dear Mom,
I’ll always be in your heart.
Love, Mia

Dear Mia,
You will.
Love, Carolyn

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